What to do about that voice inside your head

“You should have known better”

“That was a stupid thing to do / say”

“What were you thinking?”

“You could have said what you did this way, you stupid idiot! And if you were smart…”

Those are some of the voices swirling around in your head. You can hear the harsh tone of the ultimate critic, putting you down for every little thing you’ve done. It’s unmistakable. And that voice booms at you only after the fact, sneering at its success at outsmarting you.

“If only you would have listened to me earlier, this wouldn’t have happened…”

“Don’t you know any better?”

“What is with you???”

That voice is the ultimate analyst, judge, jury and decider of our actions.

Why does that voice have so much power over you? What makes you listen to it, making yourself feel worse and worse?

Well, that voice is you, but it’s not the best version of you. While the voice wants you to bask in the reflection of its perfection, it is in fact your worst side. In the Jewish spiritual tradition of Mussar, that voice represents your Yetzer HaRa, a tailor-made temptation for you to go down the road of self-hatred and loathing.

Going down that road takes you away from your innate ability to perfect yourself by first appreciating your true self. The road to spiritual growth is not through self-criticism, but by walking the path of love—love for yourself as a unique and special creation of Hashem.

Just think about this: would you yell or criticize a child who keeps falling while learning to ride a bicycle?

Do you have faults? Most likely, yes. Are you perfect? Most likely no.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t need to change, or that you can’t work on being the best version of yourself that you can be. In fact, an interpretation of “Love your neighbor as yourself¹” is that before you can love others, you have to love yourself first. Because only then will your love be able to spill out to others. When you are so in need of love and hungry for attention, there’s little to give to another.

So, the way to encourage your spiritual development and growth is by recognizing what is holding you back. Taking small steps to retrain your inner voice will cultivate a kinder and more objective way of getting you on the right path.

The very first step in that process is by labelling. Every single time you hear the ‘would’ve, could’ve, should’ve’ voice, you need to label it as The Critic (or any other pet name you can think of to name such a nasty and spiteful voice!). That alone is a powerful tool. Becoming aware and naming the voice for what it is will be incredibly uplifting. You will then have your power back, and your self-agency. Your ability to control for negativity will strengthen you.

When you do that often enough, you will be sensitized to how often it appears. You can say things to yourself like: “I recognize you for what you are, but am moving on…” or “thanks for the feedback, but no thanks” or “I’m moving on from listening to you anymore…” or anything else that works for you.

I hope you’ll decide to try this, and in my next post, I’ll share more steps with you, for how to get back on the path of positive self-discovery. Until then, please share and subscribe.

1. V’ahavta L’rei’ekha Kamokha וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ ~Leviticus / Vayikra 19:18