Judaism's Hacks for a Person's True Nature
Our sages were always trying to find the shortest ways to describe complicated concepts. What was their shortcut to discovering the real you?
There are 48 paths to becoming wise….all elucidated in the section of the Talmud {Mishneh} known as Foundational Ethics / Pirkei Avot. In other sources, there are numerous discussions of sayings that distill complicated concepts in as little as three (okay four) words.
Here’s just one: what does the world rest upon [Pirkei Avot 1:2]? Like, on what things does the world depend? What are the best ways of sustaining the world? Our sages respond with [just] three things—-an encyclopedic answer if there was one.
Their response is Torah, Avodah (Service) and Gemilut Hasadim (acts of loving kindness). Think about all that the answer encompasses!
However, there’s a somewhat simpler answer to the question about how you know a person’s character, also with just three words. In the Talmud, in Tractate Eruvin (65b). there are three ways given to determine a persons’s true character and how it is revealed.
The original saying (by our Sage Rabbi Elai) is: "In three matters a person’s true character is ascertained; in their cup, i.e., their behavior when they drink (or to play with metaphors here, when they have plenty — a full cup, or have a lack — less than a full cup); in their pocket, i.e., their conduct relative to their financial situation and dealings with other people; and in their anger." (edited for gender and clarity)
The Hebrew offers a poetic play on words:
בִּשְׁלֹשָׁה דְּבָרִים אָדָם נִיכָּר: בְּכוֹסוֹ, וּבְכִיסוֹ וּבְכַעְסוֹ
B'shlosha devarim Adam nicar: B'koso, U'vkiso, U'vka'aso
"...in three ways a person is recognized: through one's cup, through one's pocket / wallet and through one's anger".
Think about this for a few moments…..would you be able to judge your friends using this guide? When have been the times in your life when your truest character was revealed? Would any of the ways you’ve behaved hold true for those circumstances? When were you able to truly see your friends’ true nature? How about your own character leanings? Are you aware of what circumstances prompt you to be your truest self? Or those situations which 'push your buttons' and cause you to behave in ways that you'd rather forget.....
Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, author of the foundational Mussar Text Mesillat Yesharim (11:143) refers to this Talmudic dictum when he describes the difference between an anger that is in your heart, and an anger that shows on your face. Anger that goes deep within you is not a productive anger. Anger is a trait that tends to take over one's personality, and sometimes we become ‘lost in our anger’. This is dangerous territory, and in fact, our tradition warns us of this in so many ways how destructive it is.
We are told that "When a person keeps from getting angry, his enemies will have no control over him." (Sefer HaMiddot, Anger:1). We might dismiss this by saying…”well…I don’t actually have any enemies…I’m not exactly living in a war zone….”
But, for a spiritual understanding, you might read this as: "when you keep yourself from getting angry, your ability to control yourself will increase, and your inclination to get angry (your enemy) will decrease and therefore lose power in controlling you". You’ve won the power struggle. Your brain just won a battle over your instinct.
Returning to our catchy phrase about one’s cup, one’s pocket, and one’s anger, the Babylonian Talmud (Pesachim, 113b) says:
"There are three people the Holy One loves: One who does not get angry. One who
does not get drunk. One who does not stand on ceremony."
We can certainly find that the first two statements make a lot of sense, based on the above description. But the third statement is quite unexpected. Why would God love "one who does not stand on ceremony". What does that really mean?
When we ‘stand on ceremony’ we gain stature by putting ourselves first and listening to our own egos. That attitude often gets in the way of us doing the right thing at the right time. Think about it, how many times do you want to be the first person to make peace, but you stubbornly hold your ground. How many times have you reached for your cell to call someone, only to tell yourself that they should be calling you. How often do we hold ourselves back from doing a kindness...thinking that (selfishly) we haven't been treated so fairly recently. How often does anger dominate our decisions?
When we learn to control anger, it loses power over us. But when we learn to control our own egos, that brings an entirely different kind of merit…and it is the work of a lifetime.